watevva......

face three

2007-02-04T22:28:00.000-08:00

The lights are going down and we shall soon fade into oblivion. I have read my past posts and unfortuantely i find myself a little crazy. Who doesn't get crazy sometimes huh....I hate those moments, but it is moments like those that make me realise what i am today and how far i am to be who i can be. i will be quiet for quite a while, but i won't be gone. I'll come back, promise.

Face three: the hardest part>>>>>letting go.

promise. fill my soul with gold.

2007-01-12T19:59:00.000-08:00

losing a batttle here. need some help. need alot of help. feeling like shit. literally. Immobile. discolored. smell bad. feel mushy, soft, turning hard.

there's nothing i won't do then spend my life with you. ciara, promise. i love the song. wait mixed reactions really. damn i feel like such a loser. wait i am. walau so emo. rush. rush rush. used it alot of times, yes yes. i am such an arse. quite meaningless actually. thoughts that are rotten. degrading myself here.

happy thoughts happy thoughts. who am i kidding right. CHANGE. why can't it be instantenious.(wrong spelling i think) why?!!! oh lack of vocab...main issues for me. can't help feeling sorry for myself coz its so easy to do.

find yourself thena! you're turning 20 this year. 20! you're suppose to drop the bitchiness, the attitude. get your fucking act together boy. you're going nowhere now.

shaun said: when you prolly ask thena what his religion is, he would say 'madonna'.

that was so cool huh. hate is a strong word, use dislike instead, its more milder.

what i need is a focus. yes a focus. i have to concentrate and i know i will get it done coz it has worked for me before. you can do it if you put your mind to it. you can do it thena. you psycho bastard! you can do this!

I can. I will. Thanks.

the confessional

2006-12-24T17:24:00.000-08:00

For far too long I have been wandering about this place, taking one day at a time or even my whole future in one time. I did a little soul searching of why I come to this place. When I mean this place, I mean this blog where I write. It seems that this is place has taken a physical form in my mind. Ever went confess? Well that is what I have been doing all these years in this place. This is my confessional. I only speak the truth here. I have done sins, yes I have. I am not ashamed of them, but I do understand its value and its consequences. Even its long term effects.

The day I dread came quite sooner then I expected. Of course knowing me, I blow things out of proportion. We parted finally, a little tiff. I guess we are no more best, we are just good. That sentence only made sense to me.

I thought I was open, but there is still a long way to go for that. This place is my best, because it listens. I know I am up there somewhere, not grounded. Floating. Sad but true. I found myself capable of many things, but I am incapable of numerous things too. I have become my worse enemy. I tend to overthink, wait that’s about all that I do. And that alone is ending my life. That alone brings me closer to a misery I don’t want to face, but I must. Can you live with yourself? I think I can’t anymore. Everyday I grow stupid. So what if I did fucking extremely well in my Os. I am just a textbook. I world is out there, I see it, but I can’t feel it.

Why so sad on this Christmas eve? Not sad, just confessing. And wanting any reply back. Sometimes all I want is a hug. But even that is so hard to get. Well I like to think the wind embraces me a couple of times now and then. I like the wind. I want to be one with the wind one day. One day soon. So suicidal isn’t it…

I am queen bitch. That’s what they call me. It hurts, because I bitch about people who would never think twice about bitching about me. I have become one of them. Don’t ask me who them is, they are just people who are not me. Like I said I can’t even live with myself. Damn I have incredible bone structure, I am slim, I’m sexy, I’m hot. The bloody mirror knows it, unfortunately its just the mirror.

Oh don’t stop me, let me continue. I am capable of it, I’m quite sure of that. I want to have six kids. Three of my own, and three adopted. The first one is called Cosmo, then Wanda and of course Timmy. I love cosmo and timmy. They are very naughty and cute. People don’t like me when I’m drunk or tipsy. They hold it over my head. They don’t judge me do they? I do say that I don’t care about what they think, but deep down inside I can’t fucking help it. I care. I really do.

I care. And you bloody damn well know it. You do.

oo la la

2006-12-16T12:06:00.000-08:00

There is oh so much to say, but how can I say it all. There is just so much, or am I imagining things and over complicating them. Cheat my feelings will you now. Emotions at play. Why does one do that in the first place? Genuine and all that is real in the world is taken granted for. I want to trust him so much, but in each instance he has left me down. I want to smack her around a bit before telling her the truth. Am I in a position to talk this way to another? Why do I have to be the one who listens and not say anything. Who takes it all in and bottles it one by one, stocking it up in this little frame of mine. When will it be too much. I want to cry oh so badly, but where I come from tears have seem to become bad air that revolves around and hovers over you like a rain cloud, only getting bigger and bigger. I wonder when it would rain. I am helpless not only for myself but for where I learn in, where I want to excel in. What do I next. I know I wanted to be so and so, but can I be there. I get angry quickly these days. Not cool anymore. I don’t think straight anymore, I know its wrong but yet I do it. So sue me. I have closed myself.

I try not to be the one with the broken hand. But I am. I don’t necessarily like it. But I do get an attention from it. I am still searching, but everyday it gets harder, more painful because they never really see the person inside. I have so much…but none to give it to. I live in a world of dreams that don’t come true. Very little action, but I talk a lot. Writer my ass! I never read enough books, my vocabulary is limited. ‘o’ levels is child’s play. What am I doing. What am……I doing. I have lived perfect lives with people in my head and it was wonderful. Wonderful.

face.two

2006-11-30T03:00:00.000-08:00

i was wrong. People in africa and bosnia are fighting for survival....the chance to live and here i can carelessly say that i have taken my life for granted. I have become who i have always hated. An ignorant fool. I do appreciate the fact that i am given a life to live in. The ability to live it is in my own hands. What i say in the previous entry may make a good debate point or a bad one...but i shouldn't have made it. After all i am human too. Its nice that we say that we make mistakes and learn from them. Coz we really do. really.

btw. Casiono royale is a kick ass movie go watch it. You really now know who 007 really is.

There is so much love everywhere that we don't stop and realise it. All we need is love. I like how it feels when someone brushes their hands through my hair. Coz my hair feels nice. :p

I can't believe i made a smiley face with a tounge. So not me. Good night Everyone..me go sleep sleep.

face.one

2006-11-25T08:25:00.000-08:00

I am writing to the mere sake of writing, which is ofcourse in my world, this is wrong. However if i don't write this, the experience which i am to write here will be lost in my countless thoughts and dream like memories. Sememster two, week six. Stress. Yes stress, i felt it...yes I said it for the first time...i actually felt stressed for the first time in my life. I almost feel human. Almost. There were an abundance of "stuff" to do the past week. And i was brain dead, in the most literal sense. It was like living in death(i'm glad i got to use this phrase). Trapped, tormented by me to push myself harder, smarter, mor effiecent. Stress has a way of working this out. There is alot of work + someone in the mod is a total bitch or has issues + trying to find common ground with the world around you for no apparent reason + late nights. All these things accumulate and end up as being stress, thats what it is to me anyways. I know...its so fucking mild. You might be thinking, 'oh my god this guy is a pussy, i 've been in worst situations' Well I am not you. What this thing about "have you thought about the people in bosnia or africa who have no food to eat"....SO? what the fuck can i do about it. If i have the luxury of food...isit my fault for throwing which i can't finish? I can sympathise with all those people, but i can't feel sorry for them and re-structure my life. Right now i have everything to lose. No quite right actually, i am being too dramatic, its just my future life is on the line...and i have to give a damn about people in somalia? Don't play that guilt trip on me fucker! it doesn't work anymore. We have our own god damned problems. Try living with social status and trying to hold your head up high and be a respectable person....its exactly like fight for a piece of bread with twenty other hungry children. We all go though the same shit...it just varies in cause its in different locations.

There is just so much...thoughts in this damn head of mind. People say i think too much, i ask too many questions that have no answers. Why stop me? what do you gain....what if i actually come closer to the truth by just asking them over and over again......

Do i have to define all of me?........or will you just find out sooner or later. DARK does not exist without LIGHT,and neither LIGHT without DARK. They give a purpose to and for each other. Where is my light? I am searching for you my love....

Thena the rollercoaster

2006-11-13T21:10:00.000-08:00

Tenth of November it was, of the twisted year two thousand and six. Just finished proposal for super pitch and still had drama production to do. Scarpped key personnel and budget of super pitch, didn’t know how, didn’t want to anyways. I felt stressed for the first time, I meant I really realized it anyways. I also understood it by the way. I was overwhelmed or so I thought I was. I still had that damned I and E project. Also audio, came up with something today from what Morris was reading. Questions. Was inspired wrote something meaningful, then again Shaun would quote it as experimental. I guess something poetic doesn’t have a fine line with experimentation. They are a subset? Again, overwhelming sensation. But Morris was there, so was Michy, and Shaun….Darryl gives me confidence, faith even, then there’s Justin, oh Justin. Oh Justin. They all give me one message or at least that’s what I feel from them. Take it easy. Easy peezy lemon squeezy. Chandler nevers fails to open my eyes to new insightful things. Surya, Krystal, Zong Wei, Chi Seng, filz, Nicole, Jowell, Audi, Shah..ronald. Characters. Each one unique, lovable. Then there’s the rest of the mod which I will continue nest time….promise. After a long day, went to watch ‘Time’ a Korean flick for SGnewwave with mich. Amazing concept, fair execution. That’s all I can say…besides I’m a sucker for Korean violence and style after My Sassy girl, thanks Bal. In the bus me and mich said funny stuff. I know people in the corner of their eye looked at us. It was fun. Came back home. Both parents were so lovable. Mother talked about how she spent her off day, father made fun of it. Cute, lovable. I do hope when I get married, my relationship with my wife is something like my parents one. I love them so much. I love them so much. No one on earth could love me more than them. I love them so much. I love them so much. I love them so much. Twenty four hours before writing this, I was at one the crappy situations. Hated it. Now I’m squeaky clean after a shower in dettol’s herbal shower cream. Under the ceiling fan writing this.

Ring the telephone rang.

2006-10-04T19:59:00.000-07:00

Well soon my life will be attached to a schedule and I thought I’ll never see you guys again unless it was an initiated plan by one of us. It would be until the next holiday right? Just as I was thinking that, one of you called for dinner. I don’t know for what apparent reason, but he couldn’t make it for dinner. In normal terms it would be brushed off I guess. But I don’t know. They are so many things you can think off if someone were to cancel on you. Just when I needed human contact, it slipped away from me. Also I chased one of you away on the net. I don’t feel bad. I just feel lonely. It is pathetic how I pour myself here in this blog of a damn place. Hoping for someone to read it. We write so that someone will read it. Also I do it for self expression, reflection and all that jazz. O who am I kidding. Should I even write anymore? Because all I seem to do is blabber. The one I want most to read this, I bet doesn’t even care. Why bother. Why bother. Oh and I am speaking in a French accent while writing this post. Aha there is a biker below my house blasting that Chinese cockroach song. You know the one with that cartoon girl singing about cockroaches. Delta Goodram>innocent eyes….sad but I love it. Cotton land of mysteries. I am going blonde by the way. I will be laughed at, I know. I will be the butt of all blonde jokes, I know. But I want to do it, because I like it and Joyce likes it too. I just wish I could float away when I jump out of my window…like Zhang Ziyi in C.T.H.D. Listen to Fatty Koo…Bounce…its nice. It brought a smile to my face. Blab blab blab. Hasta Manana. BUENO SENORITA!me llyamo Thena itu? Ahaha. Coocoo mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Ba a a a a a a a a a a. Kii. Oh and ur vagina is so big, a lorry made a U turn in it. Ahahahaha. Say my name bitch Say my name!!!!!!!!Thena! ahahahahah. Ring the telephone rang.

Close to you

2006-09-29T08:20:00.000-07:00

One of the You.

I really like you. Fact is I want to be with you. You're sweet as candy. Chessy I know. I drop your blog once and awhile just to take a look at you. Its crazy I know, Saying all this now. Never knew how to approach you. Just was myself. Maybe a little crazier. Something out of the ordinary. I have know idea if you ever thought about me that way. But i do about you. You and I, we are so different. You're cute, beautiful and quirky. I am not. Well for the mass public that is, anyways. I get where I'am coming from. I get me. But you don't. Don't think anyone will. I won't change, not a single bit. I wanna take risks. I wanna scream your name from the top of the UOB building, aha. I wanna be able to say hi or i love you, without uttering a word at all. Deep down inside you're not the one for me, even i know that. But now, i don't mind having you. Please don't mistake me for being arrogant. I am just honest. I'm more real than reality can get. If you're too skinny, i'll tell you that you are too damn skinny. If you put your hair in a special way and if i don't like it. I'll tell you i don't like it, but i'll still be by your side. You get this? Lets agree that we should disagree. That way we know each other more, than anyone else. You get me? I hope you do. Coz i wanna get you...badly..

Crazy about you & you

2006-09-20T22:20:00.000-07:00

I told myself not to write this entry because it might not make sense to anyone but me, but then again, which entry did? Also this is so gonna help for future reflections upon myself. Three days. Nine friends. Lots of fun. Crazy family. Fell in love all over again.Twice. More like crushes. Now that i think about them. Well after this three day heaven, i was ready to let go of everything. If everything went downhill from there, it was ok. But then Ronald told me three words that slapped my face...when i told him how i felt. He said he had the same feelings when he has fun too, but he said "not for long" Ouch! how could i have been so stupid? For a person who always believed in momentary emotions, I of all people gave way to a perpetual answer for my life. Sometimes its good to say things out instead of keeping them in your head. coz someone else will straighten you out...and eventually you get what the person is saying. I want to say so much, but i can't find the person to say it, and even if i did, i wouldn't make any sense coz what ever i say is just based on possibilites and not facts. I tend to stray away from facts because i know they can't be bent or extended. They are not expendable like possibilites. Hence i feel safer in a world of possibilities. Also i am finally coming into realisation that if you want something bad, you gotta work for it, not just think about it in that damn head of yours...like i have done for many many years. Ok there's a nice tamil movie i gotta go watch it now ....ahaha see ya my bitches.....(as though someone is reading ahahahaha) :-> oh as for my title...i'll tell ya when i tell ya....

god's indulgence in seeing you suffer...

2006-09-07T05:15:00.000-07:00

I just ate peanut butter spread between two slices of bread, sandwiched. It was heavenly. It was really that good! I felt like the waves of happines just washed up all over me and i tingle and close my eyes as my taste buds engulf the flavours. I ask god 'why give me such delicacies, its just too much to handle....i want more'

I wonder, does it bring joy to god seeing us indulge in our little desires. The one bite from the bread just told me how good it was and how i never am going to experience that same feeling again. Because every bite is different.

Every touch is different. Every word is different. Everything is different. Thus everything that we do, feel love is beautiful, even the evil ones. Don't you think its just too much to handle. I totally agree with what was said in American Beauty. But i don't believe that the beauty is only found there. From what we hear, to see, touch, to smell, to speak and taste is all beauty.

Thus god has already placed in a sinful(our context) world. Correction, god has placed us in sin. therefore, we are sin. We are wrong, we are right to be wrong. Hence there is no value in our existence, unless we make somthing of it, since we KNOW about it. The ability to indulge is unique. Your soul becomes one with whatever act you indulge in.

Lets look at the big picture. We have beauty all around us, matter of fact, we are beauty. If we ourselves can't handle so much, what makes you think god could? I bet he or she is loving it right now, this instant, 24/7, till the end of time. So remember when your suffering, or no matter what your doing or doing nothing at all, someone up there or down there is indulging you, loving you, enjoying you.

So everytime i wait for the clock to strike six so i can go home from work, i know someone enjoys my anticipation, my eagerness for time to go faster and my willingness to anything to get out of that office.

Enjoy it, when i have to sit at one place, programme myself to do one thing and block out the rest of the world. It brings joy.

Cool huh. I guess at the end of the day, it is not god who indulges in you, but you yourself who loves you so much that everything is not so bad after all, its just you being part of the beauty that is around you.

Want it to make sense?.....read it s l o w l y.

FLY AWAY

2006-08-06T13:28:00.000-07:00

You're walking down an empty pavement. You see rows of blocks, tall lamps that light the street, cars making their journeys and you are feeling really really low. You are just a small piece in this huge place. You release the tight muscles in yourself and now you're like jelly, loose and flowy. You stop and listen as the wind blows pass you. A gush of air comes from the heavens above. An angel flies down directly right in front of you. He reminds you of arc angel from the x-men movie. Brown is his hair, tan is his skin. He opens his arms out to you. You draw closer and closer to him as his hazel eyes pull you in. Laying your head on his chest, he wraps his arms around you making you feel safe, making you feel this is how it was suppose to be. His cloudy white wings open and flap. Your feet is in air. His hold is soft as a bed and you find yourself falling into a deep slumber. He flys you over the ocean of blocks and into the dark clouds below the moon. You awake and see the world below you. This sense of peace, you have never felt before. He holds you closer and flies even higher. The higher he goes the lighter you feel. He stops and his grip loosens. You look into those eyes that are now icy blue. His face turns to that of a women with rosy red cheeks and flushed pink lips. Her brown hair is now gold. She kisses you on the forehead and gazes deep into your eyes. She strums her fingers down your face and hugs you one last time close to her bosoms. You feel the warmth fade away as she releases you. You don't fall but you float down. Through your eyes you see the woman with white wings vanish in the light of the moon. All is left is the sky and the stars. The wind now carries you around and you feel free. It goes up and down round and round faster and slower side to side, yet you don't feel sick you just feel calm. At the edge of you see the dawn break through the night lights. You stop. Fall.

You heart is in your mouth the winds smash into you. An exhilarating ride happens in you. Everything is moving quicker and quicker. The ground comes closer and closer. You don't want to die and try to wake up from whatever this is. You can't. Fear closes your eyes and your hands stretch out before you. You want this all to stop! Something bursts out and you are still. Your eyes open and see your feet just off the ground. You ears picks up a gentle flapping sound. You look at your sides and find a pair of great white wings. You feet touch the ground and your hands now feel the ever so soft feathers. You walk over to a pond and gaze at yourself. You start flapping your wings and a smile forms on your face. You take off and fly away into the depths of the sky.

happy

2006-07-04T01:24:00.000-07:00

i have been talking in bads ways haven't i? i mean, you know like making you think about your whole life and all and big judgements and stuff and seriousness and blah blah blah....juz gonna take a break from that.

i am happy i don't know why. i guess i want to open myself up more to optimissum or something. nothing really to talk about now....i'll think of something soon...something happy...enjoyable..chirpy aha....

MAN EATER.....roar!

2006-06-16T09:25:00.000-07:00

I've grown into something I am dreading because it has a consequence that will be painful in the future. In the near future we will turn on each other(no, I don't mean for food). We do this for survival in this opportunistic world of ours. Greed, revenge, power, love, desire, human nature will make us do this. After we want to be at the top of our game. We will do whatever it takes to get there, even if it means cutting ties. "bygones John, bygones" Richard used say in Ally Mcbeal. I am turning into that. A full fledge bitch if I may say so. My heart has been replaced by stone. My vision is fire, my thoughts are jaw breaking and my intentions are very very naughty.

I wish you never met me.

What the human mind is able to conceive in that multi dimentional space we have created is truly fascinating. A mere thought does not have any power by itself, but it acts as a catalyst to drive us to an intention, which then leads to contemplating an action, then carrying out the action and hence fulfilling the mind's desire. I guess thats why we have murderers and rapist and other colourful characters on this planet. And then there are those who just think it, but don't carry it out. Back to eating the person next to us. Ofcourse the sane bunch of us wouldn't kill to get where we want to be. But does it stop us from creating a miserable life for the other party? I just to tell on you and you'll be ruined forever. So do you really want to tell others everything you think or feel? How much can you trust them....really....They say one is the loneliest number, but think about it, is not the safest too?

Just a thought...dont go crazy over it.

Temporary existence, I am, I am.

2006-06-01T05:26:00.000-07:00

I like to look at us as temporary being or existence it you out it. In my world there is no divergent in man or woman. You are saved from being a label or being labeled. What does it mean to be a man or a woman? Once someone wondered why I was not into girls or cars. I assume they ash this because I am a male. Naturally a man has to chase after a woman, and know stuff about cars. Now I ask you, must I really care about the dynamics of transportation devices. After all is it really any of your concern what I give a damn about? I chose not to go gaga over every hot woman that I see, I chose not to ‘go damn that car is cool’. I have too much respect for women to feel their physical attribute and satisfy my male pleasures. I admit I have looked at women with many sexual intentions(its human nature) but I just chose not to discuss it. Now is that wrong?

You know in the religion of Hinduism there are many manifestations of god. One particular god is called Sivasakthi. Now this is an deity who is half man, Sivan(God of the afterlife) and half woman, Sakthi(Godess of the afterlife). “This deity cannot live without its other half, they both carry characteristics that make them unique. You might notice this statue in the temple even. In India there are men(transvestites) who are called the hedra. They claim themselves to be closer to god because they posses male and female traits in one body. When one gets blessed by a hedra, he or she is said to be blessed by the gods themselves. Powerful isn’t? Why I bring this up? People look at this differently. These temporary beings portray themselves as being one with god. Now if one can go to such an extent in belief, can you imagine what we are capable off?

When we are born, we know nothing. We learn, understand, chose and disagree. So why are we still constricted in these paths that have been in our former generations? I guess the question I pose is, Can we be really free, now?

The Hours

2006-04-04T12:47:00.000-07:00

Time has a funny way of giving a message to you. It is as though both of you are playing a game about who has more tolerance over the other. Sometimes Time wins and sometimes you win. However the game is not about winning, it is about living. Time has nothing to lose, but you have everything to lose. It is the riskiest gamble that you will ever bet on.

As human beings we are given a limitation period of a century to do what we want. Unfortunately the century is exploited. Life can end at any time. Everyone always says that we have to make the best of what we have, but does it really have to be that way. What if in this period of time that we have been given is not put to good use. Or even worse, what if we don't get to do what our hearts desire? Some say we have to die trying and some just say they are happy that they went on the journey, failed and learnt many lessons.

Right now we all have to be the first one. We have to die trying to get where and what we want. It is hard to focus on this one thing, because there is so many aspects in our daily lives that consume us, barriers that hinder our definition of limitation. From social ethics to psychological mindsets, we are meant to be challenged in own created web of games. We have Time to thank for all of this, for if it never exisited, we wouldn't know what to do. So what are you waiting for?

HITHERTO THOU SHALT COME, BUT NO FURTHER

2006-02-25T21:14:00.000-08:00

Ever said that before? I feel as though I have been saying all my life, or better yet, doing it all my life.

Every step I have taken is to bring myself closer to you. Powerful. Yet I have never done before nor do I want to.

How far would you share your life? I would still keep secrets, no fun giving it all away. Let somethings die with you I say. Barrier. Inner cirlce. My space.

Bitter fool! Drown in your own thoughts, that is what you have become. Thinking is a never ending process, yet you seem to delve into it more and more each time it comes to you. You create fear, possibilities, boundaries that no one but yourself can understand. Your head is exploding with much thought that you can't decide what to do next. You are so over consumed with what others think and do, that you have left yourself behind to rot in the board daylight. Once you were sane, but now what have you done to yourself. You closed the doors that give light, that give warmth. You chased away the ones that mean most to you.

You have no one.

A great mind you think you are, but how long will this sharade continue? What are you doing next. Thinking again? Rushing into things?

Help you...

No one is listening, why go on? What is THIS purpose going to carry if for no one understands you. Have you become so high that you feel you have moved further away from now and more into the realistic future? Or are you standing still.

Music. The sanity of life.

You are wasteful you know. No one is listening. No one is going to call you. No one talks to you. No one wants to be with you. Because you are a psycho. A person who does not have control over his own thoughts and runs away everything there is a problem. Why have you become so, let me help you. Let me come into further then now. First ask the question, who is yourself? and answer................................................

Bitchin makes the world go round.

2006-02-18T09:53:00.000-08:00

Bad karma, dolat whatever you call it, does it really happen? What goes around comes around, yea right. Its an old tale to keep children from being naughty I say. We are told that don't' do stuff that you would want people to do to you, thus we go into this realm of fear knowing that what we did is gonna comeback to get us. Its better than jack the ripper, better than I know what you did last summer, better than scream and ofcourse better than final destination(at least death gives a sign). This just hits you in the face without warning, to leave that lasting impression and to teach you a lesson.

My stand is, its either coincidence or a self created episode. Everything that we do(because it is routine in general) can be similar to our past and past doings, thus when something happens to us evoking that memory, it seems as though karma came for a visit. The self create episode is where we already tell ourselves that 'okay this gonna happen to me and its gonna be bad'. Hence we have already created a self impression of a situation that something bad is coming, like spidey sense. Then our sub-conscience remembers this and makes it into a fact. So when a situation happens that is close to this new "fact" we feel bad and remorseful which leads to realizing our mistake. Hey whatta ya know, karma is good.....Damn! Anyways do we actually need karma to teach us our lessons, if we can't do it in that instant doesn't that mean that we as humans are incapable of realizing our wrongs? So you decide, do you need karma or just want it because its so called an important life aspect, come on don't sway because Alicia Keys wrote a song on it...........Try it(without karma), see hows it like, it makes you a better person but I won't promise that.

Bitchin yall, the in thing now, for me anyways. It not talking bad about a person, but actually it starts off like that. However we actually turn it into something more interesting. Sociology. We learn why the person is like that, how the person comes off as to a public, how the person interacts with different people in different groups in different places. Thus bitchin actually makes us realize what or who that person really is. This is done best with a group because they throw in many ideas of why and how the person functions. Therefore determining the best natural look and personality of that individual. Everybody talks about everybody, thats how we function. If we don't bitch how the hell are suppose to learn? When a dialogue is open, it creates a vast possibility factor which inturn helps us to study. Then we are able to catergorise these people with their background and their interest. Leading to knowing better about the person, cause no sane individual is gonna go around blurting out their personas.

However bitching does have its side effects, it creates stereotype, it enforces a similar groupthink, it makes bad impressions and finally it can make us judgmental. So while you are going around talking about somebody to somebody, somebody else is talkin about you to somebody else. Got that? hmmm.....what goes around comes around? or social interaction in repetition? Ouch!

So again, tell me your views, I know you wanna say something, just go ahead and type it, it helps me get to know more about you........call it blog bitchin, if i may say so.

What makes you stop?

2006-02-06T07:30:00.000-08:00

I hate fear. I hate the feact that i have to live up to certain expectations. Expectations that i created. Expectations that i don't want to change because i am too high headed. I am too emotional. I am just too much drama. Its starting to get irritating. I can't focus. Its clouding my judement. If i do something out of anger, it will have adverse effects. If i do something during uncontrollable excitement, the end result is just painful. Fear. Everyone has them. I let it eat me, will i learn anything for it? I don't know. Or i do. I learn how to be immuned to it, just like every other thing in my life. Tolerance. Remember GM rice from geography? Its more resilient, more tolerant to any conditions. I have a feeling, a gut instinct, that i have this plauge. I let things hit me in the face, then i don't react, i don't do anything. Or am i standing still, while the scenery passes me by? Funny isn't it? I know that i have moved forward. The other eyes watching me however, see me standing still and they are moving past me. Left Behind. Damn fear strikes again. Crazy isn't it? After all, it is we who created fear.

Clea Duvall, i like her, because someone told me to like her, Whoopi Goldberg told me that. I like ashley olsen, because Iqbal liked mary kate olsen. I liked green even more, because Hudaa liked it once. I like Desmond because everybody else likes him. I like me, because people tell me they like me. Sad but true. Looks like i never had a life, i just took other people's interest and made it my own. I let me be influenced and easily conformed. Sad but true. Although i have my own things and interests by the way, just in case if you think i am a complete loser or something.

Ask yourself, do you like it because you like it or did someone create that liking or was it by a group or something you saw on tv that made you like it. What makes you stop? Tell me if you find out. Comment at least, because its getting lonely all by myself in this webpage. I am not begging. I want you to share.

P.S. something's wrong with the date. its 6/2/06. Monday.11.30pm.

23 of September

2006-02-01T16:00:00.000-08:00

The wind from the east
told me that i was self indulging in myself.

The wind from the east
told me that life and I are one body, whatever we do to each other has a reaction that varies.

The wind from the east
heard my cry.

The wind from the east
told me to wait.

The wind from the east
exchanged lives and changed back in time.

The wind from the east
gave me hope, gave me a spark that lights my burning desire.

The wind from the east
was nice, was beautiful and non judgemental.

The wind from the east
had a very strong heartbeat.

The wind from the east
all along, was right.

The wind from the east
thank you.

Lose Yourself

2006-01-28T23:54:00.000-08:00

Upside, you experience something unbelievablly different with the traditional hang over. Downside, is there any at all? Addiction? oh come on, its just one and a while. We are smart people, we know our limits. They call it bad, addictive, something that will ruin your whole life. It will end you up in jail and rehab. What about controlled sins huh? whatever in the world happen to that. Oh please, we still have to call it a sin you know, because thats why we want to do it in the first place. If you think I am talking about sex and its orgasmic pleasure, wake up lah! Drugs babe. Everybody in the 70s did it. Look how they turned out, from rock gods to you know.....well i don't. I don't know whats the biggy here. Its just a little intoxicated fun. Let us push the body to the other level people. Yes there are side effects. And double yes to milder, shall we say, hmm magic power. Why bloody not, I say. Smoking is just stupid, Social drinking, well its gonna be there for a while in it? I mean I am 19. Aren't I suppose to not take life seriously? I wonder whether i was born for greatness, but what if I am greatness right now, for that high moment. Is it such a crime? Really.....

I bet you're going, its your life babe, 'you make the decisions'(its something I would say anyway). I want a journey, but whats the point of having one, if you don't have a buddy to go with. Now you're going, Thena what the hell is wrong with you! First you say its bad and now you say its good. You two face son of a bitch. Two face, well I wonder if i have more. Or maybe i just have one, but cut it into different pieces so i end up looking U.G.L.Y. ouch that hurt. Grounded shit aint' it? Damn...

Nothing Esle Matters

2006-01-19T01:43:00.000-08:00

Overconsumption of ourselves, aren't we all guilty for this? There is no one you love more than yourself right? I mean come on, its you, your identity, right? Loving yourself is right, right? But when does it become Vanity? But we have to ask ourselves is vanity just for beauty? The time when we can't stop staring at our face or body, does it make it fair to judge us? Then you go asking, there is so much in this one person, no words or styles or personas can decribe it, can it be perfect? We are all perfect right? Who gives a shit about the old meaning of perfect being something of a certain standard? We don't do this in this age and time do we? Perfection for us is being ourselves and find who we are and all that jazz, duh, right? right? Like in 'dangerous liasions', Glenn close goes "Vanity and happiness can never be compatible" didn't she? I'm wondering, how to disagree with her?

I am still wandering with this wonderings, right?

Doll meet Conman

2006-01-15T13:20:00.000-08:00

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Sugar is Sweet
And so are you

Girl you're a slut
But I still love ya.
Girl you're a bitch
But you're my bottle of fun

Bah and dots
Seem to fill your world
No logic is No logic
Philosophy is just not your thang

You can act so well
That you fool the conman
Or did he fool you
To act like being fooled

=+=+=+=+=+=

You have an ass, I admire
You have an ass, I desire
You have hair
You have........well you have

You fooled me once
You fooled me twice
But never agian
Would I be fooled again

Grounded as you are
You know the truth
You happy go lucky S.O.B.
May your thoughts come true

End. :)

Holy Comolly! No she didn't take my cool!

2006-01-10T00:00:00.000-08:00

Its hard to remember how it felt before
The way you move around me again
Everytime I see the splendor of
Your new look going tan

After all that we've been through it
You and I have something new
Now that you've grown up baby
I don't wanna have you any more

For all the things you did
I know we're cool
cool

You don't have to say a word
Coz you spoke so much
From that one look that you gave

Im still in wonderland
Coz you put me there
And never came again

Everytime you look at me
It's like I am on a swing
And you're pushin me

Till im goin to the top
you'll be behind me waitin again

Thought I miss the things you took
I know we're cool

You're meant to be with another guy
I know I am not for, coz im only just ur best friend
All those things you said were impossible
though i looked over again

All the times that Im with you
I can't help but think like that
Though i know its impossible,
but I never seem to have regrets

For all the years with you
I know i'm cool............co co cool...........so cool

krAzE BeautifuL

2006-01-08T05:16:00.000-08:00

****

Crazy

It been so long since I have spoken to you. I want to tell you a secret, but I can't Because it makes me fell oh so wrong. Paradox can you hear me? It is as though you see right through me. Scared, I have upon my own body. But the weeps of agony fall silent. They are a rustle in the wind. How I wish to be it though, but I can only go so far. We could never, shall I even say it? Or Dare I? It would be perfect for me, but for you, need I even utter a word? You already belong to someone else.

Looks like I am obessed with you but, I crave for thy attention only. For without you, I cease to exist. Drama or a real tragedy I don't know, but one thing is for sure, it will not end. Cover me, coz he's gonna get me, wait I already hear him in me. Oh what shall I do now?

****

Beautiful

Jump out the window! You would like it, I promise...Adrenaline rush, isn't that what you seek in him? What do you want anyways? He's not gonna give you anything, you hate him remember? Or do you just depise him to think of him over and over again. Whore, kill those impure thoughts. Jump! Jump! Die! You will just hope, that one day, he'll fall. Although it would be fragments of your precious moments, you will drink them like blood for a vamp. Cherish them, or better yet, do it like he says: Enjoy it while you still can. That little devil, how dare he!

Do you wanna know who he is? wait for 6 more posts.....I promise

BTW: Bal.Z remember we all said that the F in JFK is Franklin? well we were wrong its John Fitzgerald Kennedy.....

It was the Best of times, It was the Best of times...

2006-01-01T15:46:00.000-08:00

Everything Flows. Beat, rhythm, Dance combine and give the ultimate intoxication. When you are in this level you can't help but put more detail on the obvious stuff. I found myself lost in the music. I couldn't think of anything else, and I liked it.

Angels call my name when I look up. It was as though heaven came down to party with us. The beautiful fairies showered us with drinks and smiles to fill the heart. Alas a moment of true love, being one with myself.

Reality check. Over board. I felt it before. But not like this. Anxiety filled the air. Hot! Hot! Arrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH. Hmmm. Burning, Drowning. Safe Me! Pain! Dizzy! Pain! K.O. Pleasure turns to pain. It hurts. I m Scared. What if i lost? Heaven is nowhere to be seen. Only the fallen angel floats above us peering down. Evil he was.

Safe. A moment is just a moment, thank god it has no measurements. Coz i didn't want that moment to last a life time. Over Drama here, I Know. I had to. I am still safe, i didn't lose.

A new year is just a measurement of the planet's revolution. It what you make of it that matters. Time is in your hands. Charish it for experience and take it for granted to learn from your mistakes.

Fresh Start. Really?

Baby....Baby.... where did my love go?

2005-12-27T20:40:00.000-08:00

Worry and Doubt fill my clouds.
Sad oh so Sad.
You look through the window, See them pass.
Sad oh so Sad.

I found the magic that I once had
Glad oh so Glad
Its time to bring you to the place I've been
Glad oh so Glad

I gonna take you out in the ocean
Swim with the whales and jump like a seal
You're gonna go round and round
and come back down
Splash Swivell and go sink.

Cool in it? I think, it has a rythm though. Now I think about it, its sounds like a HI-5 song. I wrote the first sentence to start this post, to show worry, regret and fear. But some how I juz felt like singing it out. And there it is, ocean fun i guess. It makes sense, like fun in the ocean with whales and seals. One word, CAREFREE. That what they have that we don't. They eat sleep and time and again fear for their lives.

Ever come to the point of your life where you know that you are gonna breakdown before anything happens? Your fear engulfs you like a tsunami and tumbles you around like a washing machine gone wrong. You don't know what your priorities are, you are uncetain of the future, you have nothing, you are just 18.

Eighteen. Frozen. Confused. Need. Want. Control. Give Up.

Words I frequently use.

Torn apart I am. But only for a moment this lives. Another moment comes, you are the same person but the mind changes. I wonder if, we can live on multiple dynamic moments at the same time. Is it too much or has it not been tried before.

What takes away the dark cloud on my head? What is the cure? Is there one?
Aim?Passion?Love?Duty?Honour?Calling?God?Instinct?Impluse?Reflex?

Forget It.

Thrill Factor.....Message to My Death

2005-12-26T02:27:00.000-08:00

The height of my life is uncertain, but the thrill has always been there. The whole what to do next thing, the curiousity of the cat and etc. However thrill in people is what excites me the most, the investigative nature of the human being is not something to play with. Toying with all who you know of is extremely fun, but it has limits too. It obviously has direct consequences. This inquisitive may have let to my own after effect. Who is He? Or was it They?

This is something between me and him, my bad that I had to mention him in the post. Fatal mistake I might say. Well when I writing that particular post I had no aim of its purpose to my readers. It was a dangerous insight in to my world. One of my damn thoughts are now public, but did I want it that way?

To let them know! I know you are coming for me, I will fight till the death. I will never give up. Most importantly I am not afraid of you. Come to me I will keep you closer than I will keep my enemy. I know I must come out on top. This is a challenge to you my friend, 10 years. Next year is the first. These are my judgement years. I will not fall......never.........

P.S. BMW>Bavarian Motor Works...(turn off ain't it)...Hudaa I like 'Be My Whore' better.

Under Estimate, Over Rated

2005-12-21T09:23:00.000-08:00

I hate it, its just to good. I have been underestimating him for far too long. He has everything I'll never have. To me, its does make me feel like less of a person, but the harshness here is that i have to deal with it. Everytime I see him, I love and hate, save and kill. He only wishes to be his best, but his best is a target I cannot even reach. Knowing him makes me weep. My dreams are shattered in an instant. I tell myself, there is no way you gonna make it. I will fail. I will crash and burn and I will have to face the fact that he is watching me and wants to help me. I will refuse and accept. I will live in his shadow or his shadow's dust. It is the one thing that drives me crazy, it is the one thing that keeps me sane. Jealous, i hate him or jealous, i love him. Time will tell who is on top. But in the end it wouldn't even matter to him. Coz he already won. And I already lost by writing this down. Losing is a phase, I never seem to get out of.

Lonely Planet, No Degrees

2005-12-20T05:10:00.000-08:00

Alone
Cold
Yearn
Pissed
Don't Forget About Us
There Was No Us To Begin With
Season Greetings
Alone
Late Nights
Wait With My Arms Open
Only Wind
Crave
My Humps
All That Junk
Feel
Touch
Make You Love Drunk
Doesn't Happen To Me Though
Do Somthin'
Really....
My Prerogative
I Don't Give A Damn
Sista
Winning A Fight
Feel
Alone
I
Want
Need
Want
Wrong
Right
Confused
Everybody's Talking
Don't Need Permission
Let Me Live
Alone
Lonely
And
Cold
Extremely
Cold
Can't Get You Outta My Head
La La La, LaLa, LaLa
More Than I Dare To Think About
Everynight
Everyday
Just To Be In Your Arms
Won't You Stay
Please With Sugar On Top
La La La, LaLa, LaLa
Dark Secret In Me
Leave Me Locked
Don't Set Me Free
Keep Me And
Never Let Me Go
Love Me Forever
And
Forever
And
Ever
I Just Can't Get
In Your Eyes
See What Your Thinking
I Want To Be With You
Alone
Taken My Breathe Away
Cold
Cold
Cold
Shiver...

Butterfly...

2005-12-17T23:53:00.000-08:00

There is a point, well basically every point where too much is just too much. Once you start thinking about a sad issue, in my case, that thing develops into another problem which leads onto a chain of problems or obstacles. I find that I have lost hope in my entire life and am not prepare to take it one day at a time. I want so much and yet I have to life with what I have. Is life cruel or is it me who tortuous myself. I wonder just like in the matrix, what you think, is. Can this be possible? Will I "bend the spoon?" or is it me who bends. I wonder and yearn.....

I would rather spend a lifetime with you than face all of eternity alone. A line from the fellowship of the rings. Arwen was willing to sacrifice her immortality for all that she loved. I just thought that everyone should know the lengths one would go to for this feeling. I have never loved nor I doubt I will. I was in no position to say, forget her, move on, that bitch. I was wrong oh so wrong. How could I be so evil and step into another's life and tell them what to do. How could I ever think of blackmailing friendship for twenty sticks. I have never been more ashamed. To think that I was always right. He said in a sarcastic manner, "listen to him he's always right, he's the boss". This one line shattered me into countless pieces. I have to thank him, because now i know the ugly person that i have become. I hate using the word, its far more damaging than the word fuck. But now I use it, to show the utter hate for myself. I was the devil for a long time. I stepped over people, I talked behind their backs. You may say I am not the only on, but how many of us feel guilty after realising this act of sin. I am no boss, I am a tyrant. I do not wish to be one or do I? I don't know, only time can tell.

I always found that I carried a curse with me. Whenever I talk, it becomes a pauge that harms those around me, espacially the ones I love. He asked, why do you care so much. The real answer was fear. I am afraid. If I lose anyone, I feel that it wouldn't be the end of me. I live in fear that I would not feel if i had lost someone, I have seen this happen. Not one ounce of tears. I only can give the love I have right now or it would be too late. Another fear haunts me, what if this love for these people I have turns into an obsession, I know it won't, but it might.

Please do not fear, after you have read this post thinking that I am a mad man. All I am saying is that, it is a reality and a possibility. What is read here, shall stay here. Treat it as a window of oppurtunity to look at me in a different way. Watch, don't talk.

POWER BY CHOICE

2005-12-09T02:18:00.000-08:00

How far would you go to reach your success? Will you take any risk? Will you sacrifice a lot of things? Will you even exploit the people around you?

In a heartbeat, you would do the first, second and third one. But is it right to do the last one? Lets take our case, of being teenagers. The people we depend on are our friends and family. Parents gives us money and life, etc. Friends give fun and company, etc. Is it right to in an individualistic way right to exploit your parents for money. I mean this is your life, you chose to live it anyway you want it. Mom and Dad are just words we created, they can have meaning if you want them to or not at all. How far would you use them to get to a standard of your choice? Basically think about it, when we were cave people, there wasn't rich culture nor language. So put that context in this era. Its not a matter of stepping over people, but just bring them along for the ride and dropping them of, when their use has expired.

It is hard to swallow that we can actually do this. We can commit this act and still sleep at night in peace, it has been done before mind you. You may even have done it unconsciously. Exploitation never has limits until you draw the line. So think about it, which would you rather be? The user or the used? At the end of the day we all eventually use each other for one thing or another, but the extent and cause of the usage is the most important factor. For this factor determines the person you are, your power and your newly built identity.

Forty years later when you're old and sucessesful even, you ask yourself what I built my identity on which lead to the person I am today. However in the back of your head, you would wonder who you built it on.

Exploitation is a key, use it the wrong way and you might end up locked forever...

MESSED UP[3]

2005-11-30T06:37:00.000-08:00

MESSED UP VOLUME 3: Crazy, Sexy, not so Cool

He looks at me like some asshole and I am like suppose to respond to him. I am talking about my bloody conscience. I hate it or maybe I just love it too much to actualy admit that its right half the time, Fine, all the time!

Wanting something so bad, an orgasimic(if there's such a word) desire that is. The attraction is just too powerful, you can almost feel it, its just so close! Then there's the "but", the question goes: But do i REALLY want it? Is it a need or a must?[ Have i talked about this before?] Oh what the hell there it is again. It's the whole freaking yin and yang consept that has been placed in context in our knowledgble lives.

When we make stereotypes, how do we judge the person who is going to fall into it. We pre judge them right? Oh she's gonna be a butch, first the short hair, then the baggy shirts or something. OR do these people who are falling, already know that this is their inevitable identity. They are well aware of the stereotype and yet they want to or chose to be it. Yes it classifies them into a group, but does it give oneself true identity. Its rare to find a person, whos personality is exactly the same as the stereotype, but be different in physical or psychological persona. Yah that's it.

MESSED UP[2]

2005-11-11T03:10:00.000-08:00

MESSED UP VOLUME 2: Controlled Sin (or Heaven)

Is he serious? Can sin be really controlled? If you could, would you? I would……that is under the right circumstances.

Let’s take, Sex…no too common. Aha! The game of intimacy, bingo. As we all know, there are stages or levels in this so called game. There are also numerous variations. Touch, Feel, Grab, Gaze, Talk, Bite, Squeeze, Hold, Kiss, Lick, Hug, Giggle, Love, Scream, Fight, Hit, Pull, Push, Laugh, Look, Rub, Roll, Tumble, Fall and …….Breathe.

When you are with someone close or someone you really like, you breath is heavier. Your horny (I am sorry I can’t find a better way of saying it.) You want that person to breathe down your neck, embrace you with their body as though the world was going to end this very second. Hands run up your body, holding your face towards…..You stare then look into another world of sight. Through your eyes you speak to each other, in language specially made for you. Closer and closer you get, the vision blurs and you close your eyes. You feel. The roundness, the smoothness, the coarseness. Your finger does the talking now. Never a moment of coolness, warm touches only, but only at certain areas. Clothes get ripped, the animal awakes. You bite still with your eyes closed. The tongue tastes the flesh. You believe it to be sweet. Heat is taking over and you roll around with your tongue intertwined. Your eyes still closed(Love is blind). They open and look, its an orgasm for the eyes, then the hands. Soft and hard go in and out. STOP!

Do I actually want this, you ask yourself. Did you have principles about sex? I mean it did start of with breathing and developed into love making. You love this person? Or do you love that moment. The moment of touch and embrace? Is it a sin according to you? Do you consider ‘the fast paced level of intimacy which transforms into sex’ a sacred moment or is it something you would want to enjoy every time you had the chance to?

Control it, wait if you prefer. Have as many times as you like, but make sure you entirely like it. I guess that’s how I want it to be…

THINK CIRCLE.

MESSED UP[1]

2005-11-08T22:15:00.000-08:00

MESSED UP, VOLUME 1: Bring on the heartbreak

yes its breaking, heartbreaking. Does bad karma really come around? who ever said it did. Do we actually make our minds think that it will eventually come back to us. Wouldn't this be a state of paranoia? Itsn't this state of mind bad karma itself. If you think about it, yes it is.

secrets..............

everyone is entittled to them. actually i hope everyone has it, it just jazzes up the personality level. i guess what i hate about secrets is that you can't tell them out. i mean you can if you wish to. i guess it depends on the importance of that secret. but i hate one more thing though. Those people who want to show off that they have secrets, by dropping clues or obvious hints. Whispers here and there, sign languages all over, while others are not looking or right at the edge of their eyesight. it is on purpose, or is it something we can't control. the need to flaunt our rights of having secrets. does it really make you a more mysterious person? What about quiet people, why do we always assume that they have dozens of skeletons in their closet. Or large than life personality people, we assume that they are an open book, they have no secrets at all. bottom line it doesn't matter who you are, you have a secret. It will eat you up in side, or it may even be the one thing that keeps you sane for the rest of your life.

whether it be dark or
whether it be light,
its a choice you make,
to ruin another's life.

Think twice before you act on your actions. Impulse may come immeadiately, but remember, it is the mind that controls all.

Yes, secrets, one of many contradictions of life.

Think circle people, think Circle..................

Sweet Beginnings...i think

2005-10-27T23:52:00.000-07:00

Everything is slowing starting again, the festive season, school and madonna's new album. I wonder how the new semester is going to be. Funny isn't it, we wonder yet we don't act on it.

I am currently reading "The da vinci code", its a bestseller mind you, i'm about to finish. It abosolutely thrilling, every turn of the page is a different twist. It is simply amazing, his style of writing. Very descriptive, emotional and bloodly full of suspence. Good book. I am gald I am reading it. I am thinking of exploring the beyond, but that is for the next post, look out okay

that is if anyone is looking at all............................

Plague of Love

2005-10-16T22:22:00.000-07:00

She said, come closer.
I opened the window.
Tilted my head, looked outside.
There she was.
I felt her on my face.
Her fingers gently brushed along my lips.
Up my curls.
I close my eyes.
Smiled.
Lifted my hands.
She touched them.
Leap into me, she said.
I smiled.
I sat on the leadge.
I felt.
Her smile.

I jumped.
She followed.
Hugged me all around.
I felt light.
She was ticklish.
We smiled and laughed.
The moment was forever.
She held me tight.
Not wanting to let go.
I smiled.
For the last time.
Open my eyes.
Crashed.
To the ground.
She came gently.
Over me.

I was burned.
After death.
My mother.
Went to the beach.
Released me.
I flew.
For the first time.
There she was again.
She carried me off.
We twirled round.
And round.
Up and down.
Then.
She looked into my eyes.
We Smiled.
I knew.
I was with her.
Forever.

Days of My Life.....

2005-09-30T23:30:00.000-07:00

Utterly boring it was, or so I thought. That is until I found a new inspiration, a new foundation to lay my creative abilities upon. If was a fresh start or so i thought. But it was with me forever, I just did not realise. How much I want it, need it... despise it, yet love it to death all at the same time. The only thing that evokes such passion and obsession is writing. Yes it is so simple, yet so powerful.

Writing is just a word, it is the meaning we give to it that matters the most. Writings can be transformed in to stories, poems, theories, movies, even instructions and etc. Well these are all the next stages anyway. I am currently writing a story, but it has no impact vocabulary wise. Thus it would be boring after a long time spent reading it. But am I going to spice it up, I may not have an answer to that. The fact if the matter is that, I am still writing, I could say that it is one of the three things that keep my sane, that is at home. The other two are, television and music.

I had an Epiphany today. I was watching "in the times of the butterfly" for the second time. It starred Salma Hayek(which is one of the reasons for watching it again). The power of the movie amazed me. It was about liberation from a controlled government and how three sisters risked their lives for this cause. The movie was able bring out an emotion that we all have in oourselves, it is compassion. Compassion for oneself and the people around him or her. It makes you want to feel like breaking free and helping others all over the world.

One reason we were put here in this planet, in which I strongly believe is 'to help others'. We all have the ability and power to do this. And we also have the choice of wanting to do this. This opportunity of choice, changes our mind, making us think that it is not necessary to help. But in fact it is. Remember this,WE CAN CHANGE THE WORLD IF WE REALLY WANT TO. After all it is our planet.

ENVY

2005-09-24T13:47:00.000-07:00

I have been green lately, everything around me just seems better, wait it is. Temptation is a killer, but whats the point of the temptation if you already know that to be tempted by the tempt is impossible as you will never taste the tempt at all. Sickening isit, temptation. It is temptation that leads us to this green of envy. It has become a need, to feel, to pretend to be something or have something that is out of reach to us. And then the question comes along, what not work for this neeed. Then you ask yourself, do i reeeaaly need this need or do i need this need for the need to show to the rest that i can attain this need.

Ironic: I found the need to write about needs, or am i needing something in exchange for writing this need of mine. Was that an irony at all? Lets go back to tempt, the most dangerous thing in the world. I was watching indecent proposal on wednesday night, starring, Demi Moore, Woody Harolson & Robert Redford. It was about a richman(Robert) wanting to spend a night with Demi, eventhough he knows she is married to Woody. The couple are given a proposal, one million dollars for one night with demi. When tempted with money, the couple agree, as it would help solve their financial bills. Now lets think about this, if you and your wife or husband were dead broke, would you give away your wife or husband for only one misely night, but in return get the fortune of your lifetime? Would you taste the tempt....? Would you think about the morality of the issue...? Would you care about what your partner thinks....? Would you regret it for the rest of your life if it happened....? Dramatic isn't it...

But not to worry, it was just a movie....it won't happen in real life. From this movie we can already see the damages tempt can do to you. So i guess this does prove that tempt can be the root of all evil...

A TRIBUTE, COZ I WAS BORED AT HOME, THEN INSPIRED

2005-09-12T21:35:00.000-07:00

the bushmaster aka the conman
the african coral aka the posh
the cottonmouth aka the "nice"

the boa aka the average joe
the blackmumba aka the doll
the copperhead aka the sassy

the diamondback aka the gala

The Distance

2005-09-12T00:49:00.000-07:00

i mean come on....you don't notice it? we have drifted apart. face it, it is starined and it ain't going back to what it was.

yes there is a distance, you find yourself thinking about this when you are alone, thinking and wondering. i mean where is the closeness....yes there are new people in our lives, but does that mean that we take less notice about the old ones? duh.....i am exaggerating...relax...dun be alarmed

You have to admit there is this void.....this emptyness we can explain but can't put in words. Moving on is one thing, moving away is another.

People change Duh...deal with it....sometimes the people around you move, but u stay at that exact same position, not even moving an inch. Now what does that make you, someone who refuses change or someone who just dosen't know how to carry on with life.......think about it

LOST

yes the tv programme is an attention grabber. but it makes u think, what is really there? well me and my father believe that its collective imagination. i mean they are so shaken by the plane crash, their minds are on the edge....when one person or a group thinks one way, the rest start to follow and kinda conform due to their psychological state.

but what if this were to happen in our everyday lives? try living in on the edge,
OR
are we already on the edge, but we just don't know it yet?........interesting

Damn Unpretty

2005-08-17T20:08:00.000-07:00

Is not UGLY a perfect word? Actually its a beautiful word. but why hate it......don't you feel ugly at times? that sticky feeling, that uncomfortable feeling, that yuck you smell every part of your body, that sense of you drowning in a sticky pile of garbage . Now tell me is it not a beautiful. Ugly has evolved into such a strong feeling........yes it's a feeling..... a state of mind to find your true self, screw the "i love me" crap. this is a reality...knowing you knowing you, welcome to the world i live in, where getting stomped on is part of your everyday routine......be scrutinised for the little things, it does not hurt, but it leaves an everlasting mark, people will remember no matter what.........you, I, we are in our own filth....the filth that we proclaim as the actual us. will you ever survive.....yes, but with hurt all the way........that is life.....a minute part only lah....

is not HURT a perfect word?

MASKS

2005-08-08T09:25:00.000-07:00

you think you know somebody and then they turn out to be this completely different person, what do you do?

a)confront them
b)accept them
c)turn them back
d)none of the above

you do everything. yup thats right everything! why? cause if you can care enough for that person to make that effort to change or confront or do something, you deserve to react. i know why i am saying this......coz you can only push someone so far....they have to take the next step by themselves.....you have to learn how to let go....you have to accept the fact that they are in control of their own life.....and not you.

blankblankblankblankblankblankblankblankblankblankblankblank

write something will you
but i can think i wanna sleep
the why have a blog
to express what i feel when i wan it
but right now you don't have an ending
isn't this one right here? our imaginery conversation?
rubbish, no one is gonna believe i exisit
oh yes you do, i'll die without you
very flattering, but i am leaving now
no you can't, i'll be lost

i'll find you, promise...

OFF

2005-08-07T06:12:00.000-07:00

i suddenly feel dead. confused. pissed. horny. angry. and sad. i am not fuctioning well, i think. i juz got a life retrospect...i think. its so hard to be everything at the same time. its also hard to get everything at the same time. you think u have something.....then u realise u actually can't touch it or feel it, u can only see it...its like not having it at all. the things that i have can only be..........

but why? why can't i have it, must be so dylusional right now? is that the right spelling for that word...must i really care...or should i cry for i have sin my lord! plz forgive me..i do not act this way, that is not in this unusual way, but what is the usual way your majesty! inspire me! enlighten me my god! can you hear me? i know u can...and i know u will reply....and u will love to see me anticipating, suffering, going insane before i get my answer. must u be so cruel! oh yes u have to keep balance of the good and the bad...does that mean that from time to time we get to go where the other side is "greener" why green...isn't it the colour of the devil? somthing that gives our eyes refresh everytime....are we using this colour too much? have i sinned for being greedy? or muz i be proud of using something so devine

death.....is really the ending....its true!

I M TRULY BLESSED

2005-07-25T07:30:00.000-07:00

i have had the most amazing birthday of my life! i usually dun really care about my birthdays coz i know its coming every year. I dun really celebrate it either. i haven had a celebration like in ten years.

But the most amazing thing happened this year. i mean how many people get to see fireworks on their birthday? i did, i did!!! me and my sec sch friends went to esplande on 23/7/05 sat to see the fireworks, it was mind blowing. beautiful designs and colours...absolutely fabulous! and i got to spend that day with my close close frens....just so perfect. although it lasted a short while, it'll live in my memory forever......blessed truly blessed

Another surprise came today. me and my classmates went to MAC to celebrate our video screening. I got a shock of my life! they bought a chocolate cake for me and sang happy birthday! i was so touched. i even had a slight teary moment, but i held it back and kept control. i was so touched i mean i only knew these guys for about two months plus but we have bonded together like "superglue you know" as though we have been frens for years. They even wrote me a touching birthday card. i have never had that before! the best part for me was a deja vu moment.

Last year my frens bought a t shirt for me called "i like girls" for my birthday(which was also a touching birthday for me). when i wore this in poly it became very popular. this year my frens MICHELLE, CHARLENE AND JOYCE made a t shirt called "i like girls who spank" for my birthday how sweet!!!!!!!!! it was such a cool t shirt coz they did it like in juz 3 hrs. I 'm gonna cherish it like crazy. no one has ever made anything for me, until now....i am truly touched!!!!!...........again i say: i'm blessed oh so blessed to have such frens old and new

i love you all from the bottom of my heart! i truly do......

Cater to you......awwww

2005-07-15T18:45:00.000-07:00

I love this new song by Destiny's Child. Its called Cater 2 you. It is like the best song ever written. I only wish for the day for a girl to sing that to me. I never knew the reason why, that the guys have to be the ones wooing the girls. Can't it be the other way around? I mean we are living in a society where "girl power" and gender equality rules. Can't all girls be like Mary-Jane Watson in Spider-man 2. I love this line she says to peter: "isn't time someone came to save you?" waaaaa....if only a girl says that to me....i'll worship her...literally....

Back to song....Michelle williams sings this part which i am love with, the words are soo strong and meaningful...

Wanna give my breath, my strength, my will to live
That's the least I can do
Let me cater to you
Through the good, the bad, the ups and the downs
I'll still be here for you
Let me cater to you
'Cos you're beautiful
I love the way you are
Fullfill your every desire
Your wish is my command
I wanna cater to my man
Your heart
So pure your love shines through
The darkness we'll get through
So much of me is you
I wanna cater to my man

"so much of me is you" woah so power!!!! its better that "i love u"...well for me anyways. k tts abt it byeee

Terrible Thing. Shame.

2005-07-05T22:23:00.000-07:00

I am so embarrassed for Singapore right now. The performance segment in the IOC was so shitty! What were the producers thinking? The Malay performance was the best…Rahimah Rahim was wonderful and soulful. The performance was very cool, mixing silat, dikeh barat and malay dance. The Song piece just fits in perfectly.

What’s up with the Chinese performance? Since when was every Chinese Singaporean into Kung Fu? The Chinese culture is so pop right now…shouldn’t they have shown that….or even the Chinese orchestra….the Kung Fu thing was okay, but come on, we should have done something different.. The audience would have wanted something that they have not already seen in some action movie.

The worst was the Indian performance….what the hell was that! There is no concept at all! Okay they started with “kathakali” a very old south Indian dance…that was cool. But after that…oh my god!!!! Transvestites? Why? Why? Why? (This was so embarrassing; imagine what Hillary, David, Victoria, Tony, Ali, Raul and the IOC members must have thought?) And why are the dances wearing some crappy costume? Then suddenly change to western…then still dance to that Hindi song that we have heard like a million times……Where is the real Indian talent….There are so many well talented dancers from “asparas” dancing company, “ravindran” dance company, why even the guys and gals dancing in vasantham central, all these people are so good but why weren’t they used? Why must they be replaced with two drags queens, in ugly costumes? Even the dance sequence was copied from the movie “devdas” bloody no originality man!

Even the fusion part at the end with the five guys was just so messy….what were the production team thinking????

Who the hell are those two guys singing with Rahimah Rahim? Why not put Singapore idol Taufik or Corrine May or Dick Lee or Shake Hikel or Gurmit Singh or someone famous we all know….

This is the one chance to show off Singapore’s talents and their beautiful performances, but did we do that…no. Even NDP is much better than this man. They should have added modern aspects of Singapore like more hip hop or marching bands or play the angklong(that wood instrument played in primary school) or even stunts done by mediacorp artists. This would have wowed the audience. They could have done so much better…so much more…haiz!

What is done is done...just have to live with it.
Terrible thing. Shame.(sound familiar…?)

Little things lead to paranoia.........and enlightenment(ahaha)

2005-06-28T21:28:00.000-07:00

I was sitting in the bus, then there was an old lady who was standing in front of me. Naturally i wanna give up my seat but i DIDN'T. i am like, whats wrong with me! my butt juz did not wanna move, i did not feel like giving up my seat. Then i start to feel guilty, so i looked away, i kept asking myself why i did not do it, the answer was nothing, i couldn't answer the bloody question. I was going nutz...seriously.

Its like if i can't this small help, how am i to help others in the future. I always wanted to a humanitarian. NATOH man me! Do i have to be good guy for 24/7? I am just afraid i can never help the world if i don't start off small, like giving up a seat. Maybe this is one occasion, i know i BLOODY OVER REACTED. But it leads me to think that i have to push myself harder if i wanna be a humanitarian. I have to be more dedicated.

Final say, God whoever he is, put us here for many reasons and one of them is for us to help each other and not expect anything in return. So if u can help somebody anyway, juz do it........

Oh yah i thought we should go and see Fanatastic Four together one Saturday. Tag me back......

goodbye :)

Wooo my blog is up and running......

2005-06-25T13:05:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody, its me Thena and yes i am going to start blabbing again. Basically you can check my blog by Fridays.....coz i don't think i'll be writing everyday. So lets start shall we......

I having loads of fun in NP...new friends, teachers and lifestyle. I love my course FSV it is everything i wanted and alot much more...hard work though. My learning process has gone to a whole new level......really.....

Back to my friends.....smart, annoying, flirty, witty, stylish, lame......all the characteristics can found in this group...but then again every group has this right? Well i haven't found that special somthing i had with my secondary school buddies.......time will only tell. I miss my sec sch mates, we have not gone out together like forever.... We keep saying saturdays... but again no one wants to plan! asses!(juz like good old times)

I found out somthing.....both in old and new friendships.......we can never decide where to go after class or during lunch. Spend about 5 mins standing there and do nothing.....haha good old times.....

goodbye

First message........

2005-06-24T22:58:00.000-07:00

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