For far too long I have been wandering about this place, taking one day at a time or even my whole future in one time. I did a little soul searching of why I come to this place. When I mean this place, I mean this blog where I write. It seems that this is place has taken a physical form in my mind. Ever went confess? Well that is what I have been doing all these years in this place. This is my confessional. I only speak the truth here. I have done sins, yes I have. I am not ashamed of them, but I do understand its value and its consequences. Even its long term effects.

The day I dread came quite sooner then I expected. Of course knowing me, I blow things out of proportion. We parted finally, a little tiff. I guess we are no more best, we are just good. That sentence only made sense to me.

I thought I was open, but there is still a long way to go for that. This place is my best, because it listens. I know I am up there somewhere, not grounded. Floating. Sad but true. I found myself capable of many things, but I am incapable of numerous things too. I have become my worse enemy. I tend to overthink, wait that’s about all that I do. And that alone is ending my life. That alone brings me closer to a misery I don’t want to face, but I must. Can you live with yourself? I think I can’t anymore. Everyday I grow stupid. So what if I did fucking extremely well in my Os. I am just a textbook. I world is out there, I see it, but I can’t feel it.

Why so sad on this Christmas eve? Not sad, just confessing. And wanting any reply back. Sometimes all I want is a hug. But even that is so hard to get. Well I like to think the wind embraces me a couple of times now and then. I like the wind. I want to be one with the wind one day. One day soon. So suicidal isn’t it…

I am queen bitch. That’s what they call me. It hurts, because I bitch about people who would never think twice about bitching about me. I have become one of them. Don’t ask me who them is, they are just people who are not me. Like I said I can’t even live with myself. Damn I have incredible bone structure, I am slim, I’m sexy, I’m hot. The bloody mirror knows it, unfortunately its just the mirror.

Oh don’t stop me, let me continue. I am capable of it, I’m quite sure of that. I want to have six kids. Three of my own, and three adopted. The first one is called Cosmo, then Wanda and of course Timmy. I love cosmo and timmy. They are very naughty and cute. People don’t like me when I’m drunk or tipsy. They hold it over my head. They don’t judge me do they? I do say that I don’t care about what they think, but deep down inside I can’t fucking help it. I care. I really do.

I care. And you bloody damn well know it. You do.

There is oh so much to say, but how can I say it all. There is just so much, or am I imagining things and over complicating them. Cheat my feelings will you now. Emotions at play. Why does one do that in the first place? Genuine and all that is real in the world is taken granted for. I want to trust him so much, but in each instance he has left me down. I want to smack her around a bit before telling her the truth. Am I in a position to talk this way to another? Why do I have to be the one who listens and not say anything. Who takes it all in and bottles it one by one, stocking it up in this little frame of mine. When will it be too much. I want to cry oh so badly, but where I come from tears have seem to become bad air that revolves around and hovers over you like a rain cloud, only getting bigger and bigger. I wonder when it would rain. I am helpless not only for myself but for where I learn in, where I want to excel in. What do I next. I know I wanted to be so and so, but can I be there. I get angry quickly these days. Not cool anymore. I don’t think straight anymore, I know its wrong but yet I do it. So sue me. I have closed myself.

I try not to be the one with the broken hand. But I am. I don’t necessarily like it. But I do get an attention from it. I am still searching, but everyday it gets harder, more painful because they never really see the person inside. I have so much…but none to give it to. I live in a world of dreams that don’t come true. Very little action, but I talk a lot. Writer my ass! I never read enough books, my vocabulary is limited. ‘o’ levels is child’s play. What am I doing. What am……I doing. I have lived perfect lives with people in my head and it was wonderful. Wonderful.

Tenth of November it was, of the twisted year two thousand and six. Just finished proposal for super pitch and still had drama production to do. Scarpped key personnel and budget of super pitch, didn’t know how, didn’t want to anyways. I felt stressed for the first time, I meant I really realized it anyways. I also understood it by the way. I was overwhelmed or so I thought I was. I still had that damned I and E project. Also audio, came up with something today from what Morris was reading. Questions. Was inspired wrote something meaningful, then again Shaun would quote it as experimental. I guess something poetic doesn’t have a fine line with experimentation. They are a subset? Again, overwhelming sensation. But Morris was there, so was Michy, and Shaun….Darryl gives me confidence, faith even, then there’s Justin, oh Justin. Oh Justin. They all give me one message or at least that’s what I feel from them. Take it easy. Easy peezy lemon squeezy. Chandler nevers fails to open my eyes to new insightful things. Surya, Krystal, Zong Wei, Chi Seng, filz, Nicole, Jowell, Audi, Shah..ronald. Characters. Each one unique, lovable. Then there’s the rest of the mod which I will continue nest time….promise. After a long day, went to watch ‘Time’ a Korean flick for SGnewwave with mich. Amazing concept, fair execution. That’s all I can say…besides I’m a sucker for Korean violence and style after My Sassy girl, thanks Bal. In the bus me and mich said funny stuff. I know people in the corner of their eye looked at us. It was fun. Came back home. Both parents were so lovable. Mother talked about how she spent her off day, father made fun of it. Cute, lovable. I do hope when I get married, my relationship with my wife is something like my parents one. I love them so much. I love them so much. No one on earth could love me more than them. I love them so much. I love them so much. I love them so much. Twenty four hours before writing this, I was at one the crappy situations. Hated it. Now I’m squeaky clean after a shower in dettol’s herbal shower cream. Under the ceiling fan writing this.